Alright ladies and gentlemen this are when things start to get serious, were at hometown dates. The four remaining girls are Cassie, Tayshia, Hannah G, and Caelynn. This is going to be a wild episode because Colton is awkward, and just can’t make out the whole time, new concept for him. Let’s fucking get into them ladies and gentlemen.
1.) Gosh these previews are gold, Colton just getting roasted. We start off with Caelynn in Virginia, and she looks like a rocket. Best she’s looked in weeks, great teeth and hair. Yikes, when Colton was talking about their future Caelynn was not having that one bit, we all know why she’s here. Nothing says ready to meet the parents like a casual park in the woods make out, never change Colton.
2.) Alright were here with the family, and Colton’s off to a hot start avoiding everyone and being more handsy then my freshman year homecoming with Caelynn. That’ll win over the parents of the deep south I’m sure. “We have had some trials.” As they’ve known each other for like three weeks. This John guy sucks at crying what was that, suck it up butter cup he’s trying to win more Instagram followers than Caelynn with this acting performance. He asked if he could marry his daughter, and for some reason this guy can’t sack up and say no. Colton is 1 for 1 this week in asking dads. Caelynn says I LOVE YOU COLTON, but does not get it back, maybe he did learn something from Ben Higgins. Not going to lie that was very, very boring hopefully this episode picks up, I miss crazy girls and group dates.
3.) Time for Hannah G’s hometown in the big city of Birmingham Alabama, and they’re taking an etiquette class how fucking boring could this get. I don’t know a single word that was said during that class I was just staring at Hannah the whole time, fuck she’s hot.
4.) We’re at the house now, and I don’t mean to be rude but how the hell did these people create Hannah, I was really hoping her mom would be super-hot, to put it nicely that is not the case. I’m very concerned about Hannah’s friends, girls who are this hot and hangout with ugly girls are secret serial killers. I’m going to start an FBI investigation into her, this can’t possibly end up good for her. No parents have really roasted Colton, and I may stand up and start booing from the crowd I didn’t come here for softball questions. Hot seat Caelynn, Hannah gets an I love you back, and a passionate make out with her whole family probably watching that’s #Romance.
5.) I’ll try not the biased here on Tayshia but big outfit upgrade from last week, but she is still a snake. I’m troubled that they seem to have the most authentic relationship, it physically pained me to write that. Tayshia would 10,000 percent wear the pants in this relationship Colton is such a baby it’s unreal.
6.) Colton’s on his 3rd hometown and hopefully we get some fireworks, this dad looks like he is going to give us a shot. Why would you tell him you love other girls Colton you’re so stupid sometimes, I love three girls who I’ve known for six weeks, deny, deny, deny Colton. Oh no blessing from the father this is what I came for, savage “Appreciate the talk” is one of the funniest lines of the season. You can’t give the blessing now you bum, booooo don’t play hardodad. One of ex-girlfriend’s dad’s told me he was going to put me six feet under, need that kind of dad.
7.) Cassie time, best for last and hopefully she can save this god-awful episode. It seems like Hannah, and Tayshia are safe so it comes down to Cassie, and Caelynn. RED ALERT, RED ALERT CASSIE IS IN A SWIMSUIT AND THIS EPISODE IS ALREADY SAVED. Fuck just making out on the beach already, baby girl just take home the trophy already. Long and deep she says Colton remember that one, will come in handy later. These two in the sunset on the beach staring into each other’s eyes is what in the world are these other girls still doing here. I was always worried Cassie wouldn’t like him back, probably because she’s focused on me, but I will remain humble.
8.) This is already an electric dad that stare down around the whole living room is electric, this is saving the episode, “He seems like I don’t know, a guy” LFG. Her and her three sisters are all identical, not a bad looking family if one of the others is single please hit me up. Someone tell Cassie’s dad we don’t do common sense in this show, please don’t ruin this for America’s dream girl. Come on Cassie spit it out, tell Colton you love the man we can’t have you go home tonight this would ruin the season for me.
9.) Were on to the rose ceremony I’m very excited to see these dresses the girls are going to fucking bring it tonight. My rose ceremonies are the one time a month I leave Clovis and try to get laid a lot of pressure on the outfits, so I feel you ladies that’s why I’m the final judge. Hannah first one out in a black dress that made my jaw hit the floor, great heels too the important things to notice. She’s pretty, tall, and blonde I may have a type 8.4/10. Tayshia is next eh not sure how I feel about the sparkle dress are we going to prom or trying to find our husband Tayshia 5.8/10 but I think she is safe no matter what. Caelynn is the third one out she may have the best dress out the night, that’s how you put the asses in the seat Caelynn well done 9.8/10. Oh no Cassie, is she trying to sandbag this?! What in the world is this white dress looks like a trailer trash wedding dress, this is not fucking good people 2.2/10 because 22 is my favorite number.
10.) First rose goes to Hannah no surprise here she’s been in the driver’s seat since day one, and just loves making out with Colton he likes that. Second rose is Tayshia, fuck me I hate being right all the time knew it’d come down to these two girls. Come on Colton please god don’t be an idiot, and he picks CASSIE LETS FUCKING GO GIRL! WOW SHE SURVIVES HER DAD AND THAT GOD-AWFUL DRESS NOW BURN IT GIRL. Feel bad for Caelynn, she’ll be alright she’s super-hot and a good person those people tend to do well, coming from me because I am one as well. Great Bachelorette audition with all the tears, I kind of hope its her. All the rumors have it being Hannah B please god no, don’t do it to me Chris Harrison. We have next week off with the women tell all, and then we have the final.
HOLY FUCK THOSE PREVIEWS PUT IT IN MY FUCKING VEINS.