Ladies and gentlemen let’s get this party started, big episode this week. We have Cassie crying in the previews I’ll fight whoever I need for my golden girl.
1.) Oh god if things couldn’t get any worse for Colton, he gets advice from Ben Higgins. Absolute train wreck of a season he was, he was as awkward as Colton and didn’t even make out with girls. Yikes. This season could get derailed off the Cassie track real quick with his advice. Colton’s dog is a very good boy. Handsome fella.
2.) Tayshia gets the first one on one she’s quickly becoming the villain in these girls. Weird not seeing the girls in dresses but I’ll power through because I’m tough. Great shoes forTayshia the rest left a lot to be desired. We left exposed shoulders in 2015 Tayshia let’s catch up on the times. 6/10 the shoes save her. Colton knows she’ll be the rat of the group let’s see who she airs out. HOW DARE YOU FUCKING SPEAK BAD ON CASSIE TAYSHIA YOU MOTHER FUCKER. “I don’t wanna rat anyone out, but the two hottest girls here are here for the fame.” You suck Tayshia, I am so angry at you, of course they’re here for fame you all are! I’m going to try and be fair to her about the rest of the date but there’s no promises. She’s safe, that’s predictable but I’m not happy about it. The Dog fell asleep that’s how boring Tayshia is. Oh, that football jersey is a power move, well played gets her a little butt grab from our man.
3.) Caelynn gets the second one on one, that’s no surprise. Caelynn any other season would be the most naturally beautiful girl on the show but, Hannah G is here as well as Cassie. They show her snowboarding for two seconds and we’re right to the drama. She couldn’t even cry when Colton asked her, I didn’t want this to be true but Caelynn is the front runner for the next Bachelorette. “Call that stupid bitch out!!” The gloves are off we’re headed for a full-blown cat fight. WHEN YOUR BACKS AGAINST THE WALL YOU GO DEEP IN THE BAG🗣🗣!! What a peach colored dress, yes Caelynnstanding ovation in my room from me! 10/10Caelynn you rocket! This girl gets it! Colton stop crying and look across the table you’ll be okay. He’s such a sucker, bat those eyes baby, and take off that coat and that rose is yours. 🚨 L BOMB🚨 that’s 3 out of the 7 love him they say. Rose for Caelynn and we’re headed for a hometown royal rumble between Caelynn and Tayshia. Brett Young is dope as hell, and Red Rock is one of the coolest places ever. Team Cassie is hanging on by a thread.
4.) Cat fight time! Imagine that all the ugly girls’ team up on the two hot girls, get a grip ladies. How can you be the camera man and not laugh at this I would be dying. Girls are the worst, he’s known you for two months it’s strictly looks don’t gang up on the hot girls.
5.) Hannah B is going home with Colton on a one on one. Team Cassie is in full crisis mode right now, but I won’t falter I’ll be strong. Colton’s dad is massive, he could still beat the shit out of Colton. “I’ll tell you what I think of her” is the funniest dad line ever I would be terrified. Hannah B is crazy I promised I would remind you weekly. She legit scares me, but Red is her color very good choice she looks good 7/10. Then she changes into this for the night cap, Hannah what are you doing with that pink dress, no just no. She just dug her own grave 1/10 what are those shoulders?! It’s a bad night for shoulders my god ladies, clean it up. That dress got you dumped, nothing else did Hannah, all time awkward hug. Sorry honey truth hurts, and dads always, always know best, so you were screwed. S/O Aaron Erickson goat dad, and great advice giver. Another be careful oh boy Colton might lose it here. Decent speech at the end, probably the best one yet. You go Hannah hope you find another crazy person, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.
6.) Hannah B getting sent home is huge for this group date regarding the final four. Two roses between Hannah G, Cassie, Kirpa, and Heather. There’s an easy choice for the two here don’t be an idiot Colton, please god don’t be an idiot. Well do a point for each girl here to get to 10 in the order they talk to Colton.
7.) Heather goes first and is wearing black to her own funeral maybe. Why do the girls keep doing this, got to be producers in their ear letting her know her time is done. Heather wait what the fuck is going on, what is she doing? What no way, she’s doing this because she knows her ass is gone. That was so lame, how does she dump Colton that doesn’t make sense. Gottasave face from getting dumped. Savage shot of her standing on the back of the train waving goodbye. That was way too quick for something major not to happen. But he’s not keeping Kirpaout of these two lets’ be real.
8.) Cassie time baby let’s fucking go Cassie show him you’re the one. Naturally gorgeous, red is a great choice, and those black jeans are out of the park. She may have the most power in batting the eyes out of any of these girls, she’s so gorgeous my god. Cassie bringing the tears but I’m not sure Colton is buying it.
9.) Kirpa could be top 5 in bachelor history of how the hell are you still in this. She knows it’s not going to be her don’t sink my ship, and she shoots a hole in it by mentioning Cassie. She spends absolutely zero time talking about them as a couple she knows it’s over for her. Cassie is going to come across this campfire and beat her ass. “REEKS OF DESPERATION” Cassie drag her queen! Drag her across this rocky fucking mountain!
10.) Taking the roses into the evening, please god Cassie go deep in the dress bag. FUCK YES CASSIE OH MY GOD GIRL! THE FULL BODY MAROON DRESS WITH YOUR BLONDE HAIR. 10/10 STOP THE FIGHT SHE AINT FUCKING GOING HOME. Kirpa is pretty but the dress made me say eh 7/10. Hannah’s dress is underwhelming but she’s not going anywhere 8/10. The laughing through the door and coming back for the rose is unreal. What isCaelynn doing, this is going to end on a cliffhanger, and I’m not happy about it. CASSIE LETS FUCKING GO!!!!!! IM SCREAMING MY AMERICAN GIRL YOU GORGEOUS FUCKER YOU. YESSSS TEAM CASSIE. Oh they are so in love. Let’s go ladies and gentlemen.
Hometowns next week ladies and gentlemen. He will fuck it up but that’s why we love him.