Let’s ride people, week four of the bachelor and we are in Thailand! We do these points live and in order here.
1.) Heather gets the first one on one, if they teased Cassie and I don’t get it I will fucking riot. Heather brushes her teeth like a psychopath what was that? We’re too far into this first kiss narrative he’s had 15-20 other tongues in his mouth this week, just do it my god. This is an awful one on one, is he baby sitting her? I feel like he’s baby sitting her. So awkward my god. They kissed, under fireworks.
2.) CASSIE GETS A ONE ON ONE SHE GETS TWO POINTS TONIGHT. ITS OVER FOR THE OTHER GIRLS LETS GOOOO! What a Rocket she is, i’d let her kill me I think what a smile.
3.) Elyse we’ve known you’re way too good for this show. I feel like she’s genuinely one of the good people on this show, so she’s got to go. Can’t have that on my bachelor I need fights, and make outs. Go ahead and storm off be more dramatic, finally fitting into the show right before you go! Colton is so bad at talking, this is why he just makes-out with girls. Wait who the fuck is breaking up with who here? Am I supposed to be sad? I’m not, go home.
4.) Cut scene, Colton is over it in the morning. *pretends to be shocked* super hard having to only make out with 12 not 13 girls. Thoughts and prayers for our man. He’s like trying not to smile, he’s got to go on a date with 10 girls, thank you for your service Colton. Flannel is a cock choice for the jungle is this all he fucking owns?! Get a grip, and a new shirt.
5.) Hannah B is weird mother fucker. She’s literally sniffing shit and eating random bugs saying she’s the queen of the jungle wtf is going on. She’s kind of growing on me she’s that fucked up in the head. Her and Demi went to the bar and are going to be great on paradise together. Then she tells his she loves him after 3 weeks, I’ve been there Hannah with a girl a lot like you. Sup? Hit me up.
6.) Tayshia just saying we’re going to get food and just make out with Colton 15 feet from the other girls is the best move of the day. Of course the other girls sit and watch females are literally the worst.
7.) Onyeka ratting on Nicole like all you idiots aren’t here to try and gain Instagram followers and sell beauty products. The girls are starting to get really fucking catty and I’m here for it. Nicole’s eyes say fuck I’m caught she’s been caught can’t cry your way out of this.
8.) Cassie one on one, I’m more excited for this then any date I’ve ever been on. Yeah that blue belly shirt is it girl, hot fucking start knew you’d be prepared. Oh this is fucking over, you dumb idiots from the start I told you she was the one. They’re just basically fucking with clothes on in the boat hahaha let’s gooo! This the island where Fyre fest was supposed to be? They’re in love this show is over. Savage editing I wonder what Cassie is doing today? Oh just making out in the ocean, on a boat, in the beach looking like a fucking rocket in her swim suit! She’s got this little boy twirled around her finger. They’re in bed oh fuck, Colton please close on her. “I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IM CRAZY ABOUT YOU” HAHAHAHA. What a fucking masterpiece.
9.) Nicole fucking sucks. What was that? She was bullying me wah wah wah. You’re not Caelynn you can’t play that fucking card. Send all of them home and just keep the 3 girls who matter. I’m so sick of this stupid shit. Trying to distract us from Cassie’s masterpiece. He could care less about Onyeka and Nicole, this would be hard to keep the annoying one around just to drag the season out. Lmao Colton is about to roll these two heads, they’re screaming at each other. Demi is hilarious 😂. Colton on the beach, angry Colton kick then both the fuck out if you have balls.
10.) Quiet episode for the other favorites I don’t think I’ve seen Hannah G or Caelynn all episode long, let’s look for that to change during the ceremony. I don’t know this chicks name in the pink but keep your eye on her she’s been Cassie quiet and she has really hot green eyes. What a dumb ending . Boooo hiss.