Best night of the week, let’s get right into the drama! Producers just throw us a fucking bone right off the start and we’re in the thick and heavy.
1.) Hannah and Caelynn hate each other and they’re on the same group date. Gift from god for the producers, and Hannah is tanking even harder. My god, I haven’t seen a chick dominate another one like Caelynn is since Holly Holm kicked the fuck out of Rhonda. Caelynn is hotter and 100% less crazy also. We’re 5 minutes in but this could be Caelynns Mona Lisa.
2.) Is this chick grabbing Colton’s dick? It’s a pretty close call, pretty cocky over the jean HJ implications going on here. “We have so much in common” finishing each other’s sentences and baby blue is Katie’s color. 10/10 group date dress gotta stand out.
3.) Demi is a raging psychopath, and line of the night “You’re nervous around me!” As she proceeds to blindfold him and spank him, followed by a dick grab with a fake hand. This is America’s girl, and she makes me laugh.
4.) Caelynn rockets to the top of the leaderboard but here comes Hannah to take Colton away! Hannah is quickly becoming my least favorite character and Colton isn’t having her stuff, Hannah you idiot you’re very dumb this did not go well for her. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Caelynn COMES WITH THE TEARS, HAYMAKERS STOP THE FIGHT SHE GETS THE ROSE!! YOU’RE DEAD HANNAH B YOU IDIOT!!
5.) Elise (good looking ginger) gets the one on one date, they’re going to a theme park. This stinks, she’s way too good of a person to be on the bachelor, and now there’s 20 screaming kids. She kills this date but this isn’t why we watch, can’t have good people winning we need drama. Dinner is very sad, this sucks Elise is awesome just too good for this show.
6.) Colton being shirtless to start the date is the cockiest move I’ve ever seen and I respect it. Terry crews let’s fucking go, this is what we watch for, guy is electric. Some pathetic working out going on, we should’ve just done a royal rumble. Can we make a challenge bachelor cross over? I’m on it for the people.
7.) Cassie has had a bit of a down episode, still doesn’t take away from her being the favorite. ABSOLUTE ROCKET ALERT IN THE RED DRAG THEM QUEEN. She’s playing this like survivor veteran, strong but playing for the long game not in the drama yet. Smart Cassie my kind of girl! #TeamCassie
8.) Caitlin stinks and is petty as fuck, doesn’t even make it to the rose ceremony that was awesome send them all home! Why does Caitlin look so much like Kaitlyn Bristowe. Deep in the conspiracy theories here, same person I’m convinced.
9.) Colton doesn’t want a cocktail party he wants a pool party. I’m crying, how can you not love this man just savage. “Yeah let’s skip the bullshit it’s bikini time” guy knows his strength is with his shirt off, go off man.
10.) Hannah G is a sneaky one, very hot, just making out with him by the pool in front of everyone. Veteran move, establish dominance in front of these other scum bags. She is Brady’s top three running a great race so far.
11.) Colton has the big fucking spoon and boy is he just mixing this pot with Hannah and Caelynn. These last 20 minutes are going to be a shit show we might have to do 15 Brady thoughts. Hannah booooo hiss you suck!!!
12.) Rose ceremony, Caelynn takes her first L of the night with a confusing dress, and Hannah is deep in her bag to save herself with a pink body suit. Great choice can’t deny it. Hannah G gets the first rose, her, Caelynn, and Cassie are going to be a dog fight we haven’t seen since Vick’s backyard. Cassie is safe obviously, another quiet episode for #MyQueen. Forgot you were there Tracy, thanks for following me on insta this week and unfollowing right away, booo! Hannah B grabs the rope at the very end before getting TKO’d lives to fight another day, how dramatic is this.